Living my life

Missed you a lot, what have I done lately?

Hi there! Wow, have you ever had that feeling, that you are home? I have it now. Coming back here. This blog was my first and my baby and...I lost it. NOT gonna do that again. (Edit: my first writing here was 3.1-12!!!Wow!!)

So, since last time there´s some changes happen: we are all good at home, so happily ever after with my man. Then we have new baby: a puppy. Well, he´s almost 6 months and 26.3kg, so he´s going to be a big guy one day!

Meet Väinö! :) Aint he handsome boy?

And yes, some small crisis with my age, not too serious! I´m turning 47years in next month and..I just..oh my, I´m middle- age now. My Gosh, what has happen? 

Time. It´s coming to all of us. I had/have some crisis maybe but you know what? Yesterday I started to do some serious thinking. There´s some changes that is coming in my body. But then theres some things that I really can influence! I read this awesome book: your hormone doctor and really got some great tips and ideas, so I´m gonna share those here. 

                                   Kuvahaun tulos haulle your hormone doctor book

I´m NOT old and no reason why I should act or look like one. There´s nothing wrong being old, no! But I´m not ready, not yet. My life is just ahead and this is just one journey among others. 

Also, I have been continue my journey of weights and workout. Now I´m in that point, that I´m kind of dreaming of challenging myself: women power lifting! Yes! I´m so in to that now. I still have my coach and I have been working out this whole time. Have to say: happy for that! I mean...I do have some muscles now :D A bit different that I thought that this journey would be but here I am. I thought that I was just loosing weight... Hooked on lifting, freeweights. 

Hmm, what else.. so I´m a bit changed, we have 3 dogs, 4 cats and still kicking here. That´s living my life, I guess!

By the way, in that book above..they said that you should treat yourself as the the best way that you can. I ordered new shoes. Is that a same thing? :D I think that it is. 

Mokkanilkkurit - Kirkkaanpunainen - NAISET | H&M FI 2       

These babys are on their way to me, to home <3 .........

How about you, how´s you life? Are you in same boat with me, I mean that middle- age thing? If so, any tricks& advises? :)

Happy to be home and have a great day all!


Hi again

So long time, since last time here! I have been avoiding this blog for one stupid reason: here I have this habit to face myself. Facing what´s really is going on in my life. Sounds silly, dosent it?

Well, last year has bees so crazy, busy and rough mentally. I have been taking care of my mother in law, she was in bad shape..but now..even worse. She´s in hospital, has been 3 weeks now and...we are happy if she can recognize us. It happen so suddenly. 3 weeks ago we talked about everything in life; she understood everything. So sharp. Now...well two small strokes and I´m feeding her. In hospital. That iron woman, that strong human!
And..she´s never coming home again. She cant. Cause she´s just... not in this world. I do miss her so.

Guess what? Now I have some time in my hands and I dont know, what to do with it. Usually, I had so busy days: training, jogging, taking care of her... now...I do work out, jog...but there´s a hole in my days.

It´s my favorite time of year, you know, winter..and I dont even see it. Christmas is coming and I dont understand it. We had traditions in X-mas with iron Dont know...and of course my mans, her son,,,now there´s a hard thing to handle. I know that from my situation with my mom long ago. How hard it is to watch your mother to just...slip.

I tried to write some casual, or lighter blog...again I have to admit...not my thing. I just was escaping there. Also, facing my feelings is good, I just need to do that. So... if there´s someone out there...I´m here. And gonna stay.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about life

Yep, I will think that with thought and rise again. I will!

with love,

Another busy day

How could it be... we have, or more like my man have, holiday and so busy. So much to much to much to remember.

There was one week, that I didnt work out, I was having free week and trust me, first 2 days I just slept. I was totally tired!

But, it´s berry- time here. Blueberries, red, black, gooseberries..that´s a serious work now! We have bushes here at home, over 20 and full of berries. In the woods, blueberries. Berries here and there.  (Yes, I have a small overload against berries already)

Then grass. That is growing so fast. When finished in one end, need to start all over. We have this heaven in earth, for me at least, home in the middle of nature. There use to be two places and two houses, but legend is telling, that one man went angry about..well, something and burned his house. So there´s one house now in two houses place. And that grass.. well.. there´s a lot of that. mother in law..she does need serious help. So there too, grass. And potatoes. And and and..ok, now I know where time has gone!!! :D

And Launna!! I´m sorry, that I havent been too much in your blog!! I have tried to do something about that other blog of mine.. But you have been in my thoughts and I will be there more in next week, when holiday is over. 

I have been fighting with my head. Yes, again. :) But I truly love that idea, that human is not ready, there´s room for growing no matter how young or old you are. 

One thing is above now. My style, look..self esteem. Sounds vain, but truly? Not at all. It´s visual and does both: can lift us up or put us down. I would lie, if I said: it dosent matter how I look. Yes, I can say that and yes, inner is always more important. But in this world, now days...also, I would love to feel assured about myself.

Yes, I have lost kilos so much. I have bee working out, still mind dosent get that yet. I started to think why? I mean..I know that my body is more better, healthy now. Why cant I just enjoy?
Almost all of my clothes are way too big. Those too, that I have bought lately. I´m hiding. 

I just dont trust myself to be ok... why? 

I have this memories..voices..from past. Contest...between friends. Who looks better? I started to believe, that I´m not as good as my friend. She was strong with her opinions. Once, I remember..we were at boat, celebrating. The next day, when we woke and were ready for buffet (I have HUGE hangover) I had put my hair as I wanted, not like she wanted. Also, as I wanted my overalls. Small things but yep..she was controlling me. Then one man came to me as we stood there waiting our turn: are you some kind of model? Wow.. he asked that from me, not my friend. After that.. I let her do my hair etc..not the best I was, but the way I wasnt threat. 

That sounds so stubid, I know. At the time, I didnt even saw those little things but I think myself, and what  influence both my behavior and my opinion about me? Those little things. I havent been free to be me, totally. And that is one reason, why I havent been enjoying my road now. 

Now I have that power to chance it. There´s gonna be work inside of me, to trust my opinion in clother etc. But I shall crow. I dont think that I´m alone with these things.. I believe that there´s more of us, that voices from past, from shadows, are effecting our behavior, thoughts..without even seeing that. 

Well... Today I shall start my journey to free me and be me. I have survived from so bad things, this is not so..well...heavy, someone could say. but as important. 

Image result for quotes about learning to be me

with love

Easy Sunday

Finally here. I have been thinking to write here, but in summertime.. I dont know, where time flies! Or I do.. yes..lawn mowing, flowers, mother in law, lawn mowing, outside more job, hot, training... my car is still waiting to fix, so we have to make it through with just one car.. :) you know, basic country- living.

Difference between last summer and this is huge: after I started my training, which I still continue with my trainer at least half year is.. I didnt handle the heat very well. To be honest, I got some serious panic attacks when the real heat was here. Why? Of course heart beat is faster, when it´s hot. But I read it panic. Also, my weight was still too high for me to carry on, and that made a big difference.
I prayed so many times that cold air would come.. and our home is so hot in summer! It´s above this huge rock, which leads both cold in winter, but hot in summer.

This summer? I have been a bit confused. I started to be more or less afraid in March. Spring was closer and that meant hotter air and bees. How do I make it through Summer?

Then I saw in news that moment: heatwave is coming to Finland. +30c. Oh my gosh... But the craziest thing was..when that day came...I sort of was wondering: where´s that hot air...I mean, I dont feel bad? And yet, thermometer told that outside was +43c in sun and inside... +45c..

One big test was yesterday. We went to this "boys happening", where my man saw old friends and they drove carting. He wanted to me to come with. Air has been here in Fin hot and so moist. Yesterday it was +30c and moist was 68%. That place was open place, dark race track and sand. I have to admit, that in Friday I was thinking to say no, too hot. But I went, he wanted it so much.

It wasn´t so bad! I made it, and even feeling bad! I was so so happy about that! I could enjoy all the time in this summer. There´s a huge difference and relief for me.

Of course I´m happy about how that training shapes my look..but even more I´m happy about it giving me inner strength. More I go out of my comfort zone, more I have strength to do other things. So I truly can say: it´s all about totality. Both out and inside.

Now it´s something +17c outside and in..+25c still. Thanks to that rock. :) But not too bad, never thought that I will say so...

Now I´m gonna take it easy, at least one day. I did some serious work out yesterday and now I´m feeling it in my legs. Rest is best way to treat my body today..and my mind! Maybe some relaxing
Yoga, coffee, good more coffee..sofa..

Image result for quotes about strength
Image result for quotes about strength

Image result for quotes about strength
As always,

with love

one sunny day thoughts

Wow, in Finland, it´s hot now! +27c.... and I sit here with my laptop. Listening Gary Moore... could be worse. And could be better. My car just went broken. Can´t use it at all... trust me, here in woods we don´t have any public transport...and first that dirt road is about 2km, after that 8km if you want to go to love/hate my car just now.

I´m stuck here. And I´m gonna be next week or so, IF my car can be fixed. So don´t wonder, if I´m gonna write something...weird. It´s just me having some cabin fever!

I started my new program in training yesterday, and wow! I truly can feel it.. I asked fro my coach, can we continue one half year? And he said here I go again, building more muscles... loving it.

I have been thinking, why do I like to train here alone and not in some fancy gym? I like to be by myself... it´s more like old school- style without machines, but! Peace. And I dont have to worry about, how I look... no one is looking. Such a freedom there!

I´m social, in my own way, I think. My own time, own space is important to me. I don´t like to be in places, where I cant be myself. I mean, I could dress up...but I rather be in jeans... you know?

One woman said, that she totally knows, when I´m on my walk. There´s some sort of rhythm when I walk... Yes, I have my own private disco with me. I do! I put some good music on and it´s so hard for me to not dance..for example: good rock.. wanna go wild! Yesterday I had a hard time..from my headphones came Footloose.... that wanted to make me dance so hard! Music is the way, to escape and breath. Music means so much to me.... I truly can feel it. Sounds funny, but in a see it!

I have this funny feeling which makes me look for future. I cant explain, but something is waiting...dont know what, but something big. Have you ever had that kind of feeling? That something is about to changes... if you are willing to accept it?

Looking for something...that is coming.
Waiting it to come.

As I have told, I love mother nature so much. I put here some pictures. If I start  write about that subject...well.. that would take all day. But these are from our yard, apple tree, cherry tree etc... :) Summer is here!

with love

suffocating me

Ok, a bit challenging to write now. one of our kittens has this habit now, he comes to my lap when I write with laptop. He sleeps so peacefully there and I dont want to wake him. I´m such a weak front of him!

But, to the point. It´s a bit scary, also tempting, maybe depressing..feeling. You know, that you have something.. something big, inside of you. Something that you want to do, you need to do. Something, that you, that you were meant to do. Only thing dont know what it is. 

I feel something..inside of me. It is there. But for some reason...I´m afraid? Or something... to look at it. It´s like in my throat, there´s a some plug in there. It´s suffocating me, slowly and yet..I can feel that fire in my stomach. Does that sound crazy? Yep, maybe... 

I have had this image of me for so long. Like..because so much bad has happen to me and had a rough´m not really the right person to succeed in something. With that though is really hard build something, I know. But that though of me, that was my image about me. Like I felt, still do, that I´m not pretty enough. For some things that I want to do. Even those, who do it for living, has said that I´m totally good enough...Yet...I feel like elephant. 

I have put myself to position, that I´m lower than others. I have done it well. Now..there´s some cracks in my thoughts but... can I trust those? Do I really have, what it takes? Can I let go from my ghosts and believe in me? Or is it just illusion...

It´s funny...or others thoughts about us can be so different. That´s why we need that positive feedback from trusted people... so we can go even further. 

I know, I need to something about my self image...just I dont know what. 

One thought... can it be or is it just dream? Which one I believe makes a huge difference.   
Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourselfKuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourself

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourself

Something to think about..

with love,

Just because I can

Today has been so so... hard...satisfying... teaching..and again hard.

I went with my mother in law 81 years, to see her sister. I think, that she´s almost 90 years. As  drove there, I was kind of stressed. I had to take my man´s car. That´s a small (cute) car without air condition and with clutch.

Today was hot day and I had to drive nearly 300km. Also, I had to make room for walker that she uses. Pit stops in some stores and one cemetery. I mean, so much to do, not just driving. And she has been a bit sick, so I was worrying how she can handle this trip.

Few times we lost our way, cause she just didnt remember the way,

I was, have to admit, time to time..frustrated.

But when we got to her sisters house and they saw each How happy those women were! How much they have seen... it was so adorable, when they walked in a row with their walkers... I couldnt help, I smiled a bit. Then I just sat there with them and listened. They knew, that they had become old. I could not said nothing to that, because I knew..they know..that´s a fact. And getting older gives more challenges for living. Moving, eating..simple things.

This sister said: live now, we all are going to be old one day. You have to enjoy your life and do things...because the fact this cant. You just sit and know what. I knew.

I looked those women in new way...they have lived a long life. They have been young, too. Time get´s everyone of us... I have to do, what I want now..because I can.
There´s nothing wrong in my health, so if I want to do something..I do it. Cause I can. There will be day, I hope, that I will sit next to kitchen table and just wait... getting old ain´t too can be tough thing to admit my own limits..things that I use to do... I cant. I have to ask help all the time and I hate that. You know, what I mean? 

I´m not there yet...I just have to celebrate life now and worry tomorrow. What ever I do know, mistakes, things, learning... I can remember those next to that table...maybe. If my memory works. If not, I´m maybe in my own world.

But now... I´m not so old as I thought. I can see that now! Thanks to those two ladies...

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funnyKuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funny

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funny

Dream, live and love!

with love

good enough?

I started new blog ,again, and now I have been written it often. This blog is always my way of think and deal things. That other is (again) about beauty and stuff.

But why I have started and quit so many times about that issue? I really didn t knew. I mean, I do love those subject and I know something about those, too. But keeping a blog? That was hard for me.
In home, it so easy to talk about those, and give advises to my friends.

Reason: I didnt trust me enough. I didnt feel, like I´m even near to be able to write about beauty. Because...I´m not beautiful enough. I´m old. And I´m my mind: not right shape by my body.

So...I didnt really think of those, but those were in my head anyway.

I kind of shoot a torpedo to my trying. Not good enough.

Funny thought, I´m brave enough to write here about all that has happen in my past, but about fashion? I was in lock.

Self image is in so deep, I see.. and it really can get your way to do what you would love to do.

Now.. as I sit here.. with great back pain...(because I didnt stretch after training) I need to take a another view to me. Am I good enough? Do I have something to say there? And how much does my thinking limit my doings.
Oh yes, there´s also one thing friend from past. Let´s just say, I wasnt good enough as I was. Or how I wanted to put myself, when we went out. That could be one reason, too... yes, it is one strong reason.

I thought that I was getting over it..but... now I realize that I´m not over it, yet. I´m gonna fight against those thoughts.

I just need to bring me here and now. To trust me...with this. Why on earth it is so hard! Maybe I just have to break my comfort zone there too! It is easier to brake it while training.. silly? Yes.

With all this that I have wrote now..I did some thinking at the same time. I wrote as I felt, so if this is confusing.. I just hope that you got my point?
That is, how much we can be our way to do what we love. I know, that my head was (is) in my way and I need to change it.

Cause every time, that I start that kind of blog.. I feel joy and sorrow at the same time.
I want feel more that joy... not sorrow, because I think: I´m not good enough to write this....

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about self image

with huge love

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