Hi, long time no see.
I have been tired, overloaded and yep, stressed for long time. Someone close to me is in bad shape, still. There´s nothing I can do about that, except try to be there for her.
But hey, that´s not the title of this writing. What I meant with so dramatic title? No, I´m not sick or something like that, no.
Next time, when I have birthday I will turn 45years. Wow. I really didnt thought that I will make it there..or here. I honestly didnt.
Why? I didnt know. I just had this feeling, some plug in me. I was, still are(working on that now) so afraid of life. I think, that there´s a reason for my panic and why it was so hard. Why I acted so stupid when I was younger and why... I was afraid to live.
My mother, when she turned 45, I was 20years old. She got sick, cancer. I mean..my age now. She barely saw her 46 birthday, a month after she was gone.
I stood by her all the way. Death was there all the time. But so was life. After. all that happen I just saw that death. That took my mom away. I saw, how it came and slowly took her... and when it took her, I saw that too.
In that moment I know well enough that it´s real for everyone. Because my mom was to me that person, that I never thought that something like that will happen..she was so strong. But it did.
After that, I kind of did both: lived in edge and was so scared. My pulse was high? Maybe I will die!?
I dont know...crazy times.
Then I froze totally. I didnt want to leave my home, because... maybe I dont make it back.. ?
It took 10years to go out... alone. I won that panic. But I have to admit, that some sort of fear has followed me since. I didnt actually knew what. Not precisely. Something was holding me back.. until today. I didnt use all, that I had, still have, in life because there was this plug. I discovered that plug yesterday. I knew too real that death is real for everybody. I saw it. Now I know. Also I know, that if death is real, then...life has to be real too! Life is happening now. I was hiding, or trying to hide from both: dead and life. Maybe, if I just stay home..easy...Death dosent find me like it did to my mon. Not yet. Not, when I´m 45. But... by doing this... I hided from life, too......
So. I do accept that in some point death is with me. But I cant live in fear...I´m not my mom... I dont have to go in same way... and if I have to...I want to live first! That´s a biggest sin that I have made: I was too afraid to live. Sounds silly, dosent it? Because every day I´m up, breathing...alive. But living? Really? Not. And by that I dont mean huge party´s or so, no. Living here, where I am without fear. To be able to see, truly, where I am, what I have and who I am. That shall finally set me free.....