tiistai 12. tammikuuta 2016

why can´t I set myself free

Arrgh, I dont like this feeling. I have opened this page a million time, and yet...could not write. I managed to write one poem and guess what? My computer lost it.

But that´s not the problem. As I wrote last time, I feel like I have something more to do here than just..well..be. We all have. But lately I have felt this... big...I dont know, constriction, inside of me. I think and think...what is my purpose here? What is my passion, real passion? Am I good in something? I cant tell now...

That time, when people usually think those things and makes decisions, I was sick. When I got better, I started to do things, that I thought that normal people do. I did that because I didnt felt normal during panic disorder... no way. But then...after I got better..What to do? Who I am? What I want to do?

Big big questions. Yes, this might sound silly, stupid...but I´m looking for me now. More that ever. I can feel this huge ball of fire inside of me, I just dont know, where to focus all that fire. I cant set me free, not my mind. I... I think too much of those "normal" things...not that inner voice..

Maybe, I was not born to do this thing called normal, what ever that is... But what then?

Can I really write? Do I love it enough? Is there some hidden power in me, that I´m not aware?
I feel that I´m gonna too old, when I figure that out.

One thing I totally know now. I have to face my past in that part, when I was suffering about panic. That was huge part of my life, and I havent deal all those years, that I felt that was lost to it. I have made a peace with other things in my past, but not with those.... and how those effects in these days. Actually, havent even thought that. Not really. Life after nightmare. It was a big nightmare, panic disorder.... It was so strong in me, it took over.

I just keep on trying to write here, and searching me at the same time. I want to find my thing that makes me unique. Someone can sing, some dance...me? Not sure now....

But hey, I put some pictures about our kittens here! Those have grown so much, keeping me busy ;)

There´s a biggest of them all :D

with her/his sister/brother...

....and other sibling....

This one can pose!

This one is so funny, we are going to keep this one 

Big eyes, and just ate.. ;D

So innocent???

Our noses are so dirty, because eating is still kind of messy thing to do,,,

Good night everyone!!

with love

2 kommenttia:

  1. Maarit. .. first the kitties are so cute... awe ♡

    Second, I know you can get past this... I sat this because until 2 weeks ago I wondered if I could ever forgive the crazy woman who was stalking me on line and if I was ever going to realize I was blessed to not end up with him... and I do Maarit ... I see the other side... what an eye opener... xox

    1. They are, too cute!! Wanna keep them all :D

      Thank you dear Launna, again, for your words... I´m more than happy that you see the other side. You are so strong! Also...wise. I try to see that, too... xoxo


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