As I have told, my life has been quite rough. Lot of bad has happen. Let´s just say, that after year 1991 I didnt believe that good things will happen to me.
I thought, I truly did, that I have some karma in me, which makes me... well, suffer my whole life. I just didnt know, why. I thought that it was because..I have told this before...that man hurt me when I was 6years. I have felt, that I´m not worth good things. Or, I cant do nothing to help me with my dreams.
And by that I mean training. Living the way I really want. I though that I´m doing that, but... inner in me there has been this sort of like waiting- mode- something´s gonna happen...and I´m not gonna succeed in my goals.
I know, this is kind of hard to explain and maybe understand. I have worked hard past year, I have reached my goal! But I didnt got that part before...I reached my goal! I actually did it. Today, as I was walking that hit me: I made it. I lost those kilo´s what I wanted.
And why I started to think about that is... my contract with my trainer was continued with another half year. Or it will start in 8th day. So, one year behind and another new half year left. Why? Why I want to train so hard? Why I want to be even better shape? And why did I feel bad from inside....
Because...that part, feeling bad... I really didnt believe in me. I didnt believe that I´m worth to do something like that. I´m not worth to be here, coached by pro. I´m not one of those, who will succeed. Really Maarit?
So..I kinda was waiting, that what will happen next. You know, those bad things.. But hey, Nothing bad happen and one goal is achieved. And why not?????
Why I´m training so hard..that´s easy. I didnt have a chance before. During my panic and sickness I could only dream about this. Now... I´m taking it all back. Gonna be the best me. Why? Because I can. I´m doing this for me.
I have felt more or less melancholic lately. I knew that one huge step is almost there, what now?? I didnt know, what to do next. Still dont, totally. This is new to me, me, working and also getting there!
What the future brings, I dont honestly know. What I´m gonna do, when I grow up...I dont know. But I do know, that I can do so much more than I have believed! I have proven that for me now. I´m not having some bad eye in me... I dont think that the whole universe is here to make me feel bad. Maybe..it´s my time now. And everything, that has happen before...there´s a reason for those. But that reason is not that... I´m dirty, like I have thought. No. One man cant do that. That was one idiot, there´s so much more in life.
Now I need to find my way in this life. Really, really listen me. Then...I´m on right path, yes? :)
I did it...and gonna still do. I can.