maanantai 28. joulukuuta 2015

Dear Diary, need to hear my voice

As I thought this blog... I..well.. I know, that I started to sound like old tape. And also, I wasnt so open as I was at the beginning. I became more...polite? Or... I thought TOO much, what others think about me. So I didnt write so smooth and deep as I use to do. That did and do bother me. The very point of me having this blog...was that I could write as free as I wanted. I lost that in  a way.... And I´m missing it. I need that back. I need to hear my true voice again.

Small steps, but I will find it again. Me, as honest as I can be.

Today, now, I´m sitting in sofa, drinking cold coffee and my head is full of thoughts. What exactly, not too sure. I have been keeping so much inside lately, that I really dont hear me.

But I shall both try and practice to get those out.

I think about future. I have been still so many years, made so much routines that thinking new stuff was a bit hard. In some point I realized, that I was meant to do something more, too. Also, I realized, that by doing and working hard...there´s a big power... to go after my dreams and passion.

Then came that question: what are my dreams and passions?

I know the answer, but I had gave up long time ago. I thought...really...that I am too old. Too old for my dreams and my passion. My passion is to be front of camera. That is my passion. I know, that I´m good at that. But I sort of like age. Too high. I cant never ever go and fulfill my passion again, and that made me sad.

Sounds silly, to dream about something like that? Maybe...but when your heart starts to pump more, when you think know, that it is for you. That´s how I feel, when I think about being front of camera. I just love it.

When I was younger and had a change to do more, career... I got sick. Sort of...Panic disorder and depression. I got stuck at home. Now...I can say both: I´m thankful, that I walked that road and also...bitter. I feel like I missed my life in 10 years. I dont know, have I ever said that out loud. But now I´m saying. I´m a bit bitter. I know, that I had a fair chance to go forward in modelling. But I had to give up. Now I´m 44years. Not so old, but somehow... I know... old.

That´s why I´m more than happy about going to this new model agency in next month, and photo shoot. I have been working so hard to get in shape. Now I have a bigger meaning for that. And that gives me more power to continue even harder.

I dont know, how much can I get work...but at least I know, that they wanted me. That itself tells me, that I´m not too old, not yet.

;) pose! :D Ok, more than happy. Winter came yesterday!

Next pictures are from today, as I was just hanging out. I do love winter so very much.

So pure, so bright.

with love

2 kommenttia:

  1. Maarit, I hope your mother in law feels better soon... also, I think we need to keep our dreams... they might not be the same but we can still have them.

    I know what you mean about being yourself in your blog... often I feel the same way and it bothers me too as this is my place to be who I am... I'm working on getting back to her too... I know you can too xox ♡

    1. Thank you dear Launna <3 And you are right, we can... :)
      We have been writing so long time, that it has effect here... for me, it became more like.. well... I thought too much? I try to do as I did, when I started... we can do it :) Lets be us! xoxoxo


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