sunnuntai 18. lokakuuta 2015

upgradeing: me

Ok, first I have to say that last 10 months has been such a roller coaster for me. I started my journey to be better me physically and also mentally. This could sound very superficial, but yes: I wanted to to have better body. That meant leaving from my comfort zone. Totally!
I dont know, if I have told...or I have, but that was such a long time ago, so...I will tell it once more. During years 1991-2000 I suffered from huge panic disorder. I truly believed that living here, this my life...wasnt such a good idea. I tried 3 time to end my life. I was more like zombie that human. That panic was so bad, that I spent most of my time in hospitals. I didnt believe that I will win it..ever.

But I did. I truly did! For me those years are more like bad dream now, and I´m so grateful that I made it. But of course that leave some issues for me: how to react/look myself. After you have put yourself the lowest scum back in earth... feeling so.. not worth anything because panic...after all that... can I be happy? Can I be the best me that I can? Because during those years I couldnt. And trust me..those were long years.....

So...I´m kind of learning to live, being me again. I remember, how I was before, and like I said: between this time and before was huge difference. I wasnt me. No, I was something, that was a hard, as I write..I almost cry. Thank God that´s behind me!

But now... who I am? I have this awesome life now. So... first I felt so selfish to talk about my project. Yep, I do train hard..I have lost 20 kilos... I do look... well, not too bad? :) Is that a sin??? I mean... I am so grateful that I´m alive...can I be also happy the way I look?
Oh boy... hard to explain..hope you guys understand.

But... I´m taking me serious now. Also from outside. I want to celebrate my life and be the best woman I can, for me. weird feeling... to be a shamed and proud at the same time... But I´m proud about that work I have done. 9 hours training every week and smart diet. That was me leaving my comfort zone... I left that real good!!!

Image result for quotes about life after panic disorderImage result for quotes about life after panic disorder

And if you are suffering about panic.... there is a hope to win it. 

with huge love

(Launna... I´m going to take away that other blog...sorry!!! :D it is just too much...and I cant live only fluffy life...I think that you know me better ;)  )

2 kommenttia:

  1. Maarit I don't think you need to be ashamed for wanting to be healthy... you have worked hard to be healthy and strong, you have the right to own that ♡

    I understand about the other blog, it would be very hard to maintain two xox

    1. Thank you dear Launna, thank you again <3 We are living those times, when we are truly looking about our lifes... xoxo


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