maanantai 28. syyskuuta 2015

wow, did I just said that?

When I was a kid, my mom use to say that I was too kind for my friends. I couldn´t say no. That was true. Also, saying what I was really thinking was hard. I avoided controversy pretty much, also if someone asked my opinion... well, I was more or less like politician: maybe, or perhaps no?? Why? Well, not too sure because in our home I didnt saw fighting. My parents didnt fight around me, so not coming from home... Maybe there´s no bigger reason, than that´s the way I was build. Too caring.

That has been my stepping stone all my life. Lately, in last years I have learned that I do have opinion and stupid or not: it´s mine anyway.

There are, like in everybody´s life, people from past that make´s one feel contradictory. One people called me some days ago and I have wondered...why do I feel kind of mad, when she´s calling? We use to be pretty close.... I´m in that point now, where I am admitting... that relationship was holding me to crowing to be me. Sort of. I mean, I was me, but not all the way. I was more like what this friend wanted me to be. And stupid part...I was playing along. Why? Well... there was something that I liked, of course. And..maybe I just thought that I was´nt good enough like I was? Because this other person wanted to chance me in some direction? Yep, she know´s better..must know...I´m just...me.
Image result for quotes about being yourself

 

During that phone call she said something about one reality"star" here in Finland: that´s like us! I said, no that´s not me. It´s you. (that reality star... well, not too positive)
First time I said, that´s not me. Never been, I´m not really like that. I was stupid enough to act like that, but from inside I was suffering..

That moment opened up so much to me! That opened up, how much I had gave power to others to sort of build me like a doll. I cant blame too much others, I let that happen. But my moment to be free: no, that´s not me. Really. Real me. No.

I started to think, what else is there, how I have build my own image? And... letting me act like my inner self is feeling.

This might sound funny, a woman in my age is writing things like this. But, better wake now than later! I have been dealing some things from my past, because those do effect in these days. How I react, maybe wear some clothes.. This is my journey to me meeting the real me. And no, life cant be this difficult, I know. I could let things go and just move up. But... I want to learn. To understand. By understanding me I have better chance to understand someone else. And that I want to do.... maybe..help someone in future?

I think, that there´s so many things that effects us. Listening and hearing your own voice could be difficult, more so that we can understand. Some start this journey in earlier age... me now.

Image result for quotes about listening to yourselfImage result for quotes about listening to yourself



with love
Maarit

1 kommentti:

  1. Maarit all we can be is true to ourselves and not pretend to be what others want us to be... I think it takes a long time sometimes... but we both got there xox

    VastaaPoista

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