That has been my stepping stone all my life. Lately, in last years I have learned that I do have opinion and stupid or not: it´s mine anyway.
There are, like in everybody´s life, people from past that make´s one feel contradictory. One people called me some days ago and I have wondered...why do I feel kind of mad, when she´s calling? We use to be pretty close.... I´m in that point now, where I am admitting... that relationship was holding me to crowing to be me. Sort of. I mean, I was me, but not all the way. I was more like what this friend wanted me to be. And stupid part...I was playing along. Why? Well... there was something that I liked, of course. And..maybe I just thought that I was´nt good enough like I was? Because this other person wanted to chance me in some direction? Yep, she know´s better..must know...I´m just...me.
During that phone call she said something about one reality"star" here in Finland: that´s like us! I said, no that´s not me. It´s you. (that reality star... well, not too positive)
First time I said, that´s not me. Never been, I´m not really like that. I was stupid enough to act like that, but from inside I was suffering..
That moment opened up so much to me! That opened up, how much I had gave power to others to sort of build me like a doll. I cant blame too much others, I let that happen. But my moment to be free: no, that´s not me. Really. Real me. No.
I started to think, what else is there, how I have build my own image? And... letting me act like my inner self is feeling.
This might sound funny, a woman in my age is writing things like this. But, better wake now than later! I have been dealing some things from my past, because those do effect in these days. How I react, maybe wear some clothes.. This is my journey to me meeting the real me. And no, life cant be this difficult, I know. I could let things go and just move up. But... I want to learn. To understand. By understanding me I have better chance to understand someone else. And that I want to do.... maybe..help someone in future?
I think, that there´s so many things that effects us. Listening and hearing your own voice could be difficult, more so that we can understand. Some start this journey in earlier age... me now.