I actually realized...or more like..admit this yesterday. I started to watch this movie "Coyote ugly", have you seen it? It´s not too serious or big philosophical theme... but it´s beautiful, for me.
You see, when I was young... ok...to be honest? It is still in me... I wanted to be like that: coyote ugly. I kind of was! Not working in so big place, but I was go go girl in one place... and I loved that life. I loved, how I felt! Self-confident, sexual, wild...I was able to let myself loose!
I have never felt good about 9-5 work. I have felt in my heart, that something else was meant to be for me. I had this dream: I will dance as long as I can and after that, I will become a trainer.
I loved to work in night time, dancing... oh how much. And I do miss that. More or less I´m trying to fit in this "normal" life, what ever that is... we are all different.
But then there was this panic disorder. It came strongly and stayed long...way too long. I... I became the prisoner of my own life...my own body..mind. I couln´t go out, to store, to bank, to pharmacy..I mean, nowhere!!! I just took medicine and spent time in hospitals. I thought, that I never gonna win that sh#t. And I was alone...how alone I truly was! I use to have friends, but suddenly...poof: gone. Now, one wants to be friend again, but in my heart..I think that I´m a bit angry how she left me alone..even though she said that I was more than friend to her. No, I was´nt.... not really.
So, I was alone, suffering from panic and heavy on medicine. About 10 years. Then... I stared to recover!!! Yep, 10 years now... I have been in control. But it took so long to recover! Dont take me wrong, I´m more than grateful about that!
But now, as I have cured...I´m training...I´m living my life...small..ok, big stab in my heart came yesterday, when I truly admit my feelings and I realized... it is too late for that dream...In that business I´m just too old. And I dont have any training... that´s one dream that can´t come true. Now, finally I´m ok from my health...I´m too old. This is not easy to say goodbye for that dream...I was good back then. I think, that every time...I see coyote ugly, I will cry a bit.
:) that´s me on 1993-94..or about something like that. Best part back then? I felt good, like I could conquer the world!!! Maybe I could do just that..but...
I miss that feeling.. I think, that´s why I´m training so hard... I miss me. Although I do say and think: it´s NOT about the look. It´s how you feel inside. I feel like this.... what you feel is your dream :)
So, do I admit here, that I have sort of age panic? Maybe.... I lost 10 years of my life.... I got something, yes. I can help and understand others, but the price was: I lost my dream. So...is it ok to be a bit bitter? Yet, I survived... so... the truth is..I am now, a bit bitter... but I just realized this yesterday, so now is the time to heal! And maybe..I will find a way to find that feeling again. Maybe...
I still have more than I have had in a long time: family, home... so thank you for that... that´s my number one. But even though we are together with someone, feeling the way you want to be is the key of having fulfilled life. Just being honest is maybe hard...but in the end...worth it.
Do I make any kind of sense here? :D Hope I do.