One thing is for sure in human life: it will change all the time. We can make plans for rest of our life´s, but in the corner of change..there can be big surprise. And we truly cant be ready for it, because we cant tell, what´s waiting for us there.
That´s a good thing, I believe. All those changes takes us forward, teaches us..grows us. Even if we dont want.
There´s always that first step to something new. And sometimes...it ´s more like we have to front ourself..admitting, that I can do better. I havent had the courage to try.
For me, it was hard to admit, that I had made so much excuse. I´m talking this project me now, sports and fitness.
I truly explained for myself why I could´t start it. No need... still, I wanted it so much, in my dreams. "I just have a big bones...I dont have the time....that´s so stupid anyway... I´m doing my best already..."
Actually...I was afraid to take that long step to really work hard. What, if I cant do it, after all? What if I´m not just good enough for it? If I fail???
Oh yes, I did something by myself. I gave 50% . Other 50% was fighting back.... "eat, you you deserve it..."
So, I was vandalizing myself well. I was afraid about the change. I knew, deep inside of me that my goal is gonna take some hard work and I need to rethink myself.
Then I took that first step: I sent email to my trainer. He wasnt that then, but I asked him to help me.
When he said yes, then I knew... change is here. And I need, I truly need to think differently..if I want to achieve my goals.
First 2 weeks is just did what he said, not thinking too much. For me that works. Do, dont think at first. I took that jump. After I was in it...I fronted me. Why was I so afraid?
Now, after good thinking...I think that I know. It´s coming from my past. Sadly....
I have a friend, and as I have told you..we had a wild time in our past. But...I always..felt like I´m number two. Not pretty enough..my body was´nt too good (it was, but I felt not) I was thinking, in her company: she´s number one, and I´just that second.
Why? Well, in some actions she made me feel so. I just was stupid enough to So I quit trying. I was the second... for me too.
I have never been...well, slender. I was thin, but my muscles did grow..no matter what. And in those days slender was fashion in body types. Next to my friend I felt like hippo. I also have large bones that makes my sholders look big... so I was build to look strong. During 90´s it wasnt cool....so I disliked me. with a help from friend...
Now, as I truly shape my body...do lifting seriously....I like myself. I dont feel like second best in my life...I´m me. That´s it. I have muscle, my body type is strong and hey: for me it´s good. I can still be woman ;)
Taking that first, long step...it release me. I can be the woman I have wanted to be. I´m working hard, and proud of that. There´s no one, who can say to me: dont do.... not good enough. Not even me now.
Ps... I have lost 4,5kg and still have some muscles more.... ;) On my way to myself!!!