sunnuntai 5. lokakuuta 2014

take care of your self

That last poem, that I wrote...day before that I truly burned my self off. And no, I didnt even knew, that I was so tired! Not until something happen. And that was big wake up call for me!

Last month, maybe almost two, has been full of things, that needed to take care of. Car, cats, money, funeral, myself and so much more. I mean, even those seems to be small problems, for me those were big. Like cats, 2 female, pissing all over. One male, no worries, he´s just fine. But girls, what to do? I dont want to give those away! Cleaning and praying.. doctor and medicine for one. Another is older, mother of our two, my firs cat. She´s more like wild cat... 24/7 I was thinking this, how to handle. Its our home, what they are destroying...

Car.. shit. I do need that here. In the middle of forest. To normal grocery store, 8km to one direction. Other stores...40km.

Myself.  I ended up to hate my reflection from mirror, why?  I dont know. But let me say...truly hated that. Something to do with age? Or that because I´m not  that shape, that I want to be....

Plus those other things in my mind, pressing me down. I noticed, that I was tired before. And feeling down. Sensitive to cry, for sure. But what happen...that was so...I dont know, not like me!!

I was driving to gym, after long talk. First I thought that I cant go, because I look so ugly. My man convince that I´m not, go. So, I put my things in bag and off I went. From here to gym, 50km.

I was a bit nervous while driving. After fixing my car, it still made one thing: tachometer went black couple of times. That didnt effect driving, no. Car is like kitten now, smooth and fast ;) But driving  then, I wasnt sure about that. Just fixed and new problem. Naturally I was afraid, if it will broke somewhere there on the road..I´m so alone. Long, fast road and broken car...not good.

I had drove about 40km to city named Lieto and that tachometer went black. SHIT!!! I was soooo worried, that engine will shut down, too. I felt how my heart took extra bounces and my hands were shaking. That was the point,, where my camels back broke.

My though were: to that gas station, fast! There´s this cross road, with lights. Familiar to me and not too busy.
I was feeling soo weird and just waited that green light to change. It did change and I turned left...oncoming lane. Holy shot, I was awake after that! It wasnt long, few meters and that place is easy to drive wrong...but I knew. I have driven there so many times! I knew! And yet...big mistake. Way too big. Because of long-term stress. Trust me, in that gas station...wow. Never have felt like that before. I have been so proud about that, I have driven well.... I mean..I have to say, I´m not a bad driver at all....and did that. In that moment I realized the power of long-term stress. Way too big power.

I woke there, in my car. I started to took serious myself. I was tired. Still am, a bit, but not like there..in gas station.

After I had put some gas to car, I drove to gym and I was there 20min. All that my power gave me to be, not more. And I drove back. As me. Because I said out loud that I´m tired. By saying that, I gave up to that feeling, that I dont have to be in control about everything! Things will happend in life, I cant take responsibility for everything! I cant fix all things and specially not alone. I can say: I´m tired and I dont know, what to do about that now.

Now, I am healing. I understand me more. And I´m giving to myself license to be tired, to be  human.

And most of all: I´m taking care of myself. More important than you can realize, until something happens.....





with love
Maarit


2 kommenttia:

  1. Maarit... the things we do when we are tired are very scary to say the least... I am glad you were not harmed... You have been dealing with a lot these last few months, it is not always easy to keep yourself up when one trial comes after another...

    We have each other to talk to though :)

    VastaaPoista
    Vastaukset
    1. <3 Launna, thank you... for being there :) I wanted to write more, but this is all, that I can say: thank you dear friend!!!!

      Poista

Your comment is my pleasure :)