Last month, maybe almost two, has been full of things, that needed to take care of. Car, cats, money, funeral, myself and so much more. I mean, even those seems to be small problems, for me those were big. Like cats, 2 female, pissing all over. One male, no worries, he´s just fine. But girls, what to do? I dont want to give those away! Cleaning and praying.. doctor and medicine for one. Another is older, mother of our two, my firs cat. She´s more like wild cat... 24/7 I was thinking this, how to handle. Its our home, what they are destroying...
Car.. shit. I do need that here. In the middle of forest. To normal grocery store, 8km to one direction. Other stores...40km.
Myself. I ended up to hate my reflection from mirror, why? I dont know. But let me say...truly hated that. Something to do with age? Or that because I´m not that shape, that I want to be....
Plus those other things in my mind, pressing me down. I noticed, that I was tired before. And feeling down. Sensitive to cry, for sure. But what happen...that was so...I dont know, not like me!!
I was driving to gym, after long talk. First I thought that I cant go, because I look so ugly. My man convince that I´m not, go. So, I put my things in bag and off I went. From here to gym, 50km.
I was a bit nervous while driving. After fixing my car, it still made one thing: tachometer went black couple of times. That didnt effect driving, no. Car is like kitten now, smooth and fast ;) But driving then, I wasnt sure about that. Just fixed and new problem. Naturally I was afraid, if it will broke somewhere there on the road..I´m so alone. Long, fast road and broken car...not good.
I had drove about 40km to city named Lieto and that tachometer went black. SHIT!!! I was soooo worried, that engine will shut down, too. I felt how my heart took extra bounces and my hands were shaking. That was the point,, where my camels back broke.
My though were: to that gas station, fast! There´s this cross road, with lights. Familiar to me and not too busy.
I was feeling soo weird and just waited that green light to change. It did change and I turned left...oncoming lane. Holy shot, I was awake after that! It wasnt long, few meters and that place is easy to drive wrong...but I knew. I have driven there so many times! I knew! And yet...big mistake. Way too big. Because of long-term stress. Trust me, in that gas station...wow. Never have felt like that before. I have been so proud about that, I have driven well.... I mean..I have to say, I´m not a bad driver at all....and did that. In that moment I realized the power of long-term stress. Way too big power.
I woke there, in my car. I started to took serious myself. I was tired. Still am, a bit, but not like there..in gas station.
After I had put some gas to car, I drove to gym and I was there 20min. All that my power gave me to be, not more. And I drove back. As me. Because I said out loud that I´m tired. By saying that, I gave up to that feeling, that I dont have to be in control about everything! Things will happend in life, I cant take responsibility for everything! I cant fix all things and specially not alone. I can say: I´m tired and I dont know, what to do about that now.
Now, I am healing. I understand me more. And I´m giving to myself license to be tired, to be human.
And most of all: I´m taking care of myself. More important than you can realize, until something happens.....