That´s Veikko :)
I have done some inventory in my life. Why I keep some things with me, still and why I cant let go of those. What makes me react the way I do in some things. How much does my past really hold me back? Yes, some, I have written about it..those things, you know...when I was child... but some believes, habits, ways of be?
Of course there´s good things, too. I learned so much good from my parents, how to behave etc.. but how much I have thoughts, that are not really mine? More like my friends from my childhood, or parents, family...And are those holding me back.
I need to be tabula rasa.
I want to look life, like with new eyes. With new passion, new ankles. How I´m gonna do that? That takes time and work with my mind. One thing is sure: I have too much things happened in my past and those are too much power, still. Need to let those go, now.
As I start my journey to be tabula rasa...maybe some things I have to get over my chest.
I have been a bad girl..... and somehow one thing is bothering me more than others.
This all happened in confirmation school, when I was 14years. Oh, that was such a great time! I loved there. I had my best friend there, and one..well...she hated me. But she wanted to belong our group. She was nice, but I totally understand why she hated me. Me and my friend, Pirjo, had been friends oh so long. There were not a change, that no one can come between us. And...oh yes... some boys, that she liked...they liked me. I wasnt trying, no! They just...I dont know, liked me. Even if I didnt do nothing. Ok, back to thatconfirmation school.
I was put different house than Pirjo and that other girl, let´s call her P. P was soooo happy, and thought that she had chance to talk so bad now. I knew, that it wont help, so ok for me. I was send to house, where boys were, upstairs.There was also one girl from my childhood, Kirsi. She was such a bad ass! :D really, Punk was everything. And..she got my back there. Me and Kirsi....(about 8 in that room) but us and boys...crazy! :))
I smoked in those days, and in morning I saw Pirjo and P in smoking place. All was good. We kind of hanged around and enjoyed. I didnt loose my style there: big, blond hair, like in 80´s shoud have. Broken jeans, very tight. Black eyes and pink lipstick.
There was one boy, Mika. He played football with guys. I didnt saw him at first, but P had a crush for him. I said, good for you, go for it! I liked more...well..bad boys. He stared us so many times, and smiled too. I was sure that he did that to P. Finally, I thought.... he was good looking, yes. Sporty, hair cut so well, brown eyes..like I said, my type was messy rock-dude.
Once we went to this room, in mainhouse´s upstairs. There was ping pong etc to us, sofas...thing to do. We came in from stairs that came straight from outside. That Mika and he´s friend was playing ping pong. P was so happy to see him...and he...tried to stumble ME! Gosh.... ok, I was kind of happy about that, but only inside. I really, I didnt want to hurt P. So..I walked away. I looked behind...and there it was: great smile. Damn....
Yes, Pirjo had seen that so much earlier. She said that Mika was staring me from the begin.
Days went like this: we hanged around, was summer, beautiful days in country..bon fires..swimming..Kirsi swam with her jeans, and we had to cut those away because those were so tight! :D
One evening, Mika came in our room. I slept in same bed as Kirsi. He was so...sure. So..not like other teenages. He was more mature. And did I said: good looking? ;) oh well, Kirsi knew that Mika wanted me..And also knew, that I didnt want to hurt P. So I had kept my distance.
Kirsi gave a kiss to Mika and said, that I have to do that too. It´s the way in this room. I went closer...and he took my head in his hands and kissed. WHAT A KISS! (I was 14, so for me it was) and really romantic,too. He looked in my eyes so long after...and smiled. I was melting for him. Then our guardian came to sleep (every room had one older to take care of us. Or rather... looking that we dont do any crazy things. We? no....)
BOYS OUT NOW!!! Goodnight and kiss...oh, so so romantic!
Next day was almost last, two days left there. I didnt tell P nothing, Pirjo knew. I thought, that soon we are on our way to home, and Mika lives far from us.
In that same day was small game called Bingo. That was for us, to get good feeling about others and so on. Boys were inner circle and girls outer. Our priest said letters B-I-N-G-O and in each letter we moved in circles. We in different direction that boys. And when it was letter O, who ever was front of you, you give him a kiss in cheek. Me, Pirjo and P were side by side there. Pirjo in my left, P in my right. That went on for some time, and then I saw, that Mika was getting closer... holy sh¤%T...but hey, he´s in P:s place! Ok, cool. And P was so happy...I was suppose to give that kiss to one old friend from or class, but no. Mika pushed him away and gave big French kiss to me!!!!! There was almost 50 people around us....and our priest, who was so cool. That was the most romanc thing to do! And Most embarrassing too. P looked e and I know....she wanted me to hit with truck. Mika...well, he said: I want you. I wanted him too, but....P. That hold me back then.
Mika said that he will come to me, In Helsinki. He had long way to come. I was happy and sad... One of my friends had a place, where we had party every weekend. Mika came.... now this story is getting sad. I bought so much alcohol, because I didnt know, what to do. I know, he was serious about me. But...P. So, I drank and drank...he was alone there, in place full of strange people. And I! I acted like ass! I was telling to other boy, I love you (I didnt, but I wanted Mika to get upset with me) Trust me....I was so idiot. I didnt give it any chance.... and I regretted that long time! Still do. not because I still miss him or so, no. I just...I hurted one person so and missed one great romance. In that age, it was a big deal.
So, MIKA, where ever you are: I`M SORRY!!!!!
Woh, now I have said it. And P? We have talked about those things and all is good.
I didnt ment actually write this, but since I did...I could publish it, too. One lesson: never hold back, if you have good feeling about something/someone......
Ok, now I have told you..I have been a ass. :D
Time to get back here and now,