keskiviikko 2. heinäkuuta 2014

mirror mirror on the wall....#selfie

As I look at mirror, the reflection is not real to me. It´s like shadow, someone...that I use to know. Sometimes I´m happy, what I see...mostly I dont see myself..I just see someone. I´m not sure, who that woman is?

I have memories from past, when I saw myself clearly. I was beautiful in my own way. Like we all are! My eyes were smiling, I was happy with my body and my face. I had that sparkle in my life. 
I felt alive and knew, what I was doing: nothing special, I was living!

Then there was that 10 years with panic. I was home, heavily medicated. Or in hospitals. But not living normal life, no. My panic disorder was too heavy to handle, so I didnt handled it. I was in prison, in my mind. So, I kind of lost those 10 years, still not too sure, what has happen there. 

Then, I came through and won panic. I stared to live. I found myself, again. I was single then. Actually, I have been..or I was, single most of my life before year 2006. Still here! :) 
But, being in relationship wasnt to easy, simple because I didnt knew, how to be in one!

Now I know, and I´m happy in this position. But... now...finally..I have time and health for me. 

Guess what? I dont know, what I want or who I am. Or...I know, who I am, but that woman from mirror....not looking like I use to do? My look..lost. 

Now I´m in that point, that I´m looking more me and trying to figure 
Too many times I see tired woman, feeling useless....In my head is this though: HAVE TO SOMETHING ALL THE TIME OR I´M NOT GOOD AS EVERYBODY.
And what comes for looks...Just...not me. I dont feel good being me. I mean from outside.

Biggest fear is that I´m gonna look like 60year wearing just tracksuit. Why is that my fear? Good question. My man loves me the way I am. So, I dont need to take pressure from there. 

So, it´s inner thing. Maybe I´m vain? 
Is that so bad  thing, after all....And also, I turned 43 year...I have in my memory my mom. The way she was then... hard worker, true. And... she was kind of masculine. 
When I was young, I swore that I´m gonna be more feminine in that age. Now, I´m both! :D

Am I unconfident? Yes, for time to time I am. I love rock and that style. Now, I feel that I dont have body to wear those clothes. (working it) 
Dresses, to love those, shorter=better. Now...I dont know, I dont trust myself too much... I feel like..well..too old? For dresses...too..big? 

So, when I look at the mirror...I dont see me. I see only my faults. I cant see those good things. Maybe I´m disappointed at myself. I havent took care or me as good as I could. 

So..I take selfie´s for myself, wanting to see those good things that I miss. Just need to see, is those still there... 

Somehow, because I´m thinking these things...maybe I´m waking in new level and starting to finally realize that I´m alive! I´m not just shell, walking around. I´m me, Maarit. And I need to treat myself better. Just being is not good enough... 

I wrote this without reading or thinking too much, so I hope that you get my point? Needed to let all those out... :) 

with love


1 kommentti:

  1. I know what you mean Maarit... we all go through this, we don't think we are good enough when in fact we are more than good enough, we deserve all that we desire that is good... We hold ourselves back, no one else does... I know this Maarit because I have done it and some days I still do... I battle it all the time... We will both get there, because we are fighters and we don't give up :)


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