I have memories from past, when I saw myself clearly. I was beautiful in my own way. Like we all are! My eyes were smiling, I was happy with my body and my face. I had that sparkle in my life.
I felt alive and knew, what I was doing: nothing special, I was living!
Then there was that 10 years with panic. I was home, heavily medicated. Or in hospitals. But not living normal life, no. My panic disorder was too heavy to handle, so I didnt handled it. I was in prison, in my mind. So, I kind of lost those 10 years, still not too sure, what has happen there.
Then, I came through and won panic. I stared to live. I found myself, again. I was single then. Actually, I have been..or I was, single most of my life before year 2006. Still here! :)
But, being in relationship wasnt to easy, simple because I didnt knew, how to be in one!
Now I know, and I´m happy in this position. But... now...finally..I have time and health for me.
Guess what? I dont know, what I want or who I am. Or...I know, who I am, but that woman from mirror....not looking like I use to do? My style..my look..lost.
Now I´m in that point, that I´m looking more me and trying to figure out..me.
Too many times I see tired woman, feeling useless....In my head is this though: HAVE TO SOMETHING ALL THE TIME OR I´M NOT GOOD AS EVERYBODY.
And what comes for looks...Just...not me. I dont feel good being me. I mean from outside.
Biggest fear is that I´m gonna look like 60year wearing just tracksuit. Why is that my fear? Good question. My man loves me the way I am. So, I dont need to take pressure from there.
So, it´s inner thing. Maybe I´m vain?
Is that so bad thing, after all....And also, I turned 43 year...I have in my memory my mom. The way she was then... hard worker, true. And... she was kind of masculine.
When I was young, I swore that I´m gonna be more feminine in that age. Now, I´m both! :D
Am I unconfident? Yes, for time to time I am. I love rock and that style. Now, I feel that I dont have body to wear those clothes. (working it)
Dresses, skirt...se to love those, shorter=better. Now...I dont know, I dont trust myself too much... I feel like..well..too old? For dresses...too..big?
So, when I look at the mirror...I dont see me. I see only my faults. I cant see those good things. Maybe I´m disappointed at myself. I havent took care or me as good as I could.
So..I take selfie´s for myself, wanting to see those good things that I miss. Just need to see, is those still there...
Somehow, because I´m thinking these things...maybe I´m waking in new level and starting to finally realize that I´m alive! I´m not just shell, walking around. I´m me, Maarit. And I need to treat myself better. Just being is not good enough...
I wrote this without reading or thinking too much, so I hope that you get my point? Needed to let all those out... :)