It could be easier to let things be as they are, and me be the way I am. But in this life experience...not wise. I could be total bit***. Really, bitter and mean. And that´s the last thing I want, I want to learn from past and be free! Happy :) and be good to my special one´s.
Of course I will protect my family like a lion, not even question about that.
But I dont want to be self-centered and limited. Part of that thought is, i believe, in my genes, part of is coming from home. Rest is learning.
But, that part, coming from home....other things has come, too. How I react, behave and maybe think about some things. That´s natural, because as we grow we take things from our environment.
I dont start over, I´m gonna add more. To understand me and human mind. That´s a strength coming from inside, workout is for muscles more and those two are supporting each others.
One thing I have noticed now, is softness vs hardness. I can be, maybe too much, black and white in some issues. Sometimes it´s good, but maybe I miss more those grey areas. Simply because I do suffer myself usually for being so edge.
As I think that more, I do remember that both of my parents were quite hard. I mean, strong and very determined. Both were, as teenager, gang member..sort of. Not so, like in big city´s, but eg. my mom. She grew up with 4 siblings and mom. Also there was her grand mom. My family came from Karelia somewhere in 1940 or so. I dont know, how far in Russia my roots go, but I know that Karelia-part. So, she was tough girl, living in Helsinki´s station in 1960 (something like that) Back then here was hard times, and she was rebel. She kicked really some asses....
I dont know all, but as I grew up, I just saw that she was tough then, too. Not for me, or of course, if I was behaving like idiot. I use to do just that :D
But, if someone was hurting her...she didnt forget or forgive easily. In some cases..never.
I´m more like that, too. I have to admit that. Maybe it´s some sort of self-defense? I close my doors so I dont have to take more? Just maybe...sometimes..there´s those grey area´s that I miss...
And my dad. He was tough, too. He drove big American car and here in Fin that was something, that "bad boys" did. My dad use to tell me, that in their hoods were about 30-50 guys with big American cars, cruising and...yep...fighting. He was bad ass, too.
So...in our home I was soooo safe from outsiders..negative part, as I think it now..was lack of affection. In our home, we didnt show our emotions too easily. I learned to survive in early age.
So, that lack of affection, I believe that some acts in me are straight because of that. What I´m doing, is learning to both give and get that. And...it helps me to understand other´s too.
And maybe...one day...forgive. I have forgive much lately (yes!!) But there´s still some things, that I need to...forgive. And some things I cant forgive, but those are just too hard things.
I usually say, that people need to think things, before acting, how would it feel is it was happening to you. How would you react? That´s something, that I try to do.