And yes, I think that i have won so much! Really, I´m proud of that, proud of me to be able to win so much! For me, life planned sort of like...oh well, hard life to beging. Now I´m 42, and I feel like new born.
Right now, I dont need to fight, win or be on one's toes. So....what should I do now?
This too, can be new situation. And for me it is! Since I was 6 (I told you, what happend) till last years I have fought. Against bad people, againd panic, agains violation...you name it. Now.....I find myself in new spot: I have home, food, time...me..family...I feel like normal person? :)
Inside I wonder, can I just enjoy now? Really? Or is the next battle waiting around next corner? This is not me being pessimist, no! This is me learning to enjoy the ride. My battle wooms are so deep, too deep to drop off in one day. But I think...that I just might be ready...soon...to put some cover on those. To trust that life can be more than big fight, battle. It can be breathing freely, walking in sun, without shadows...smiling.
As I look one of mine dog now...he´s sleeping next to me..breathing so evenly, small sunbean crosses he´s fur...so trusting..I feel warm inside, I feel strng and also weak, for all that beauty of life. I need to see more! I need to feel...wind, sun, rain..in new way! Without being alert, or ready to fight. Just...be.
I would never want to change my past, it has given me more that I even could imagine. It will be my strenght, always.
But now...I am ready to make some room for this day, without it. Taking new steps, new way to approach life. Scary, yes....but I´m ready.
My past will be my safenet, that I know. I dont have to think it anymore, it´s there. If I fall, it will take a catch on me and I will bounce back.
So, here I go...new day, new way!