Or is it just happening? For no reason? And that´s it? How far can I think, that everything has some sort of purpose? Can I blame my mother´s cancer to be one of those things, that changed me a bit? Or my dad´s heart attack?
I have been selfish, sort of. When I took small walk yesterday, I started to think small steps. That I sort of am learning to walk again. No hurry, just walking. And I actually saw smaller things, things that I havent saw...never ever while living here. And I have live here over 5years.
That road, I have been so busy to just run, taking time how far and in what time I can run..that I forgot to look those small things.
Rabbits ate blueberrys leafs, one deer has gone throught that rouad..so much life in there!
I started tot think, that i was suppouse to slow down. And that is good.
But, back to my mom and dad. When my mom got sick, year -91, I changed. That was, by far, the most hardest thing in my life. I couldn´t deal that, when my mom was alive. I had to stay strong, cause I knew that she had such a little time here left.
I wanted to take care of her at home, althought there was that chance also, to put her in hospital.
I didnt want, and even more, she didnt want to spend her last moments in hospital. I totally understand that, I wouldn´t either.
After she was gone, I try to see: why?? Why she had to go, she was only 46years. I tryed to think, that there´s a reason for that. Should I learn for it?
But then again... it was my mothers life, pretty selfish to think that her purpose to die was to teach me. Was it just.. cancer? Or my mother´s job, what ever it was, done here?
Same goes to my dad. 3 years ago he had a massive heart attack and died. Only age of 63. What was that, really? Something to learn about? Maybe, or then again..maybe it was just a heart attack. Or my father´s lesson was learned and time to move on?
All that death around me, grandmom, uncle etc (all my family!) has effect strongly for me. I have accept those things, not bitter or so. But how I react.
I have started to think now, that I dont live very old. My God, my mom was 4 years older when she went!
BUT: that dosent mean, that I have to go, too. But again...deep inside...i have this fear. Of death. More age i get, more I feel...that I´m closer to my deadline. I`m turning 43 in may. And I´m scared as hell!!! Now I said it. First time!!!!
I´m afraid. Finally I have a great life, one I dreamed in my worst moments with panic attact. I truly thought, that I cant never have this.
Well, now I have! What then? I have use to fight so hard, that now, when things are good...is this the end of my road??
I totally understand, that it´s not real. There´s not reaper waiting for me, in that moment, when I feel happyness..finally. No.
But there´s this voice inside of me that sometimes..says something like this: be careful...too happy=end of this road.
And that, I dont like. Actually, i stared to think that during my walk. I´m strong, I know. But also...so scared. Of death. And that is something, that I need to work. I dont, no, I wount spend my life, no matter how long, in scared. That´s waisting my life!
Do I make any sence? First time, I have made this confession..to anyone. Wow, never thought that this is so liberating and at the same time...I´m learning for me, too..