lauantai 28. syyskuuta 2013

learning about myself

Few thoughts, that i have had since I was a child. These thought were so deep in me, that i didn´t knew they even exist before i took long..really long look in my behavior.
  • I was born to be second best.
  • I take what life gives to me, I dont expect more
  • Better to be in shadows, then all criticism stays away
  • I´m dirty from inside, not good enought
  • I´m not worth it
  • My life is just surviving, not enjoying
  • I dont try, because I dont get it anyway. My destination.
  • Stay in those shadows...
These thoughts, i have carried those with me for 36years now. Since that rape. I really didnt noticed, that i act and thought like that. I thought that I was...not stronger, but more self-confident, maybe.
I started to think yesterday, why I dont expect more from me, mylife. Like I had given up, but without knowing? Like, that´s it, this is all I can be. Because I´m dirty, desecrated...
In my younger days I know, I was good looking but ugly at the same time. That made me act so radical sometimes. Just wanted to do crazy things, hust myself because I was hurting anyway. Why, I didnt knew then. I thought that I was born that way, to live in pain.
My best friend, she´s so beautiful, yes. I was jelous, but never even tried my best. What is I could be in my best? Then i have to be pure, and I´m not.
So, I used only 40% about what I had. That goes in everything. Failing, my destiny?
I was more like that crazy party animal, "good friend" more than someone you could think as a girlfriend. Oh, there was man´s, wanting me. But normal, kind afraid. Because..I was dirty.
Then came panic disorder. 10years fight, hospitals, medication. I was alone. Really alone. My " home" was hospitals, they kind of had to talk with me....they got paid in that. My dad? No. He didn´t had time.
So, dirty and sick. Weard. Not worth any good.
I have told you about those things, what happend before. But I havent told, how I felt/ feel. That simple because i just relize that myself...yesterday.
Why his one man, what he did..had so much power over my mind? Because, I was child. I didnt knew. I thought, that it was my folt. Even, everyone said..ok, I talked about this just few years ago at the first time.. but everyone said that it´s not my folt. I understand that.
But deep inside...without my notice..felt dirty all these years. Hard to explain. Like I wanted to drink something, that could purify me? Chlorite maybe?
Yesterday, I started to face this thing more. Now, I need to build up myself and want more. Give 100%, and knowing that i can, I worth it. I know, that I have some talent as a writer. Also make up artist. And so much more. We all have our talents.
Just, have to fight against that feeling, that I´m not worth of success. I am. Yes? So are you ;)
with love

3 kommenttia:

  1. You are worth so much more than you know Maarit... I did not realize you were raped at a young age, I must have started reading your blog after that... I knew something had happened... You are better than that, you are not dirty... <3

  2. Thank you Launna, for your words. I haven't spoke about this so much. Thank you again.... means so much <3

  3. Thank you Launna, for your words. I haven't spoke about this so much. Thank you again.... means so much <3


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