lauantai 9. helmikuuta 2013

victim, but not beaten

I have told you few times, what happend when i was a know..those..mans. It took me for so long to even admit, that those really happend. But reality is, those happend.

Ok. Why i wanna talk about those now, just a i have been thinking my youth, my relationships and about that, why it was so hard for me to open up my heart.
Cuz now i have opened it.

This is kind of confession about me being "bad", also why i was the way i was...

When i was teenager, i really didnt care what i did in sex. I mean, i was playing with boys. Dont get me wrong, i wasnt with everybody, no. I teased, and throw away. Few, i was special, few..just to use. No emoutions there. Nothing, except one. He was my friend. Still is.

But then, i was good with people, i cared and wanted to help. When it came something sexual or something to do with closer feelings...woh, not for me. I..just couldnt!´Didnt feel like i was woth it, like theres no way, that someone can be serious with me. Why, i do understand now. And i didnt want anyone to get close to hurt. So, playing was so much easyer.

I know, i broke few hearts, i was mean. People, who didnt deserve it. And i have apologized, later.

Then came that crazy time in my life. I didnt care. Just didnt. All those bars..faceless mans, for me. I knew, that i was looking good, but inside? I felt so rotten. Nothing couldnt make me feel whole. No one. Looks or not, i felt ugly.
So, I acted like rotten. My friend, oh, she was perfect! In my eyes. And i was sort of feeling safe in shadows, even thought i couldnt escape..someone found me, always.

I cant tell you more rigt now, too emotional..but i promise, i will....Maybe some one had gone throught same and understand? Or sees that you can win....

But now, i´m whole and loving. :) so, life wins, always!!!! Belive in that, my friends!!!!

with love

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