torstai 15. maaliskuuta 2012

my secrets

Here i am, all alone.. well, not. I have my 2 dogs and one grazy cat here with me. I wanted to go to drive somewhere, and went to gas station... 1,759€/l!!! (about 8.67$/gallon) wow.. not gonna drive so much now... I want to tell you something, what most people dont know here, where i live now. Dont tell them yet, i tell in my book then ;)

Thisis located in year -96, i think. I had had panic 5-6 years then. This was my life then. I woke up usually 7am, and went to grocery near me. I bought 3 chocolate disc, one to eating on my way home (500m) And whipped cream, ice cream.. bananas. At home i put whipped cream top of chocolate and ate. Whipped cream top of banana, whipped cream on ice cream. And then some pizza. <<maybe 2. Every day. I really ate those EVERY SINGLE DAY. I woke up at 7am to buy those. Last thought when i went to bed.. in the morning i can ease my pain with food again, hang in there Maarit...


I tryed to find something good in my life, and i found sweeties. And becouse my pain was so big, i ate a lot. You cant imagine, really.

And after... You see, i´m smiling? That´s me hiding my sorrow.... i was in Bangladesh in these pics..

Before that my weigh was 53 kg (116,84lb) and after 2,5 months 97kg (213,85lb). Maybe more. I did´nt even saw it. I just lived in my own world.
I was so debressed, my thougs were nothing but positive. I actually ate my rent money. I hated myself, and thougt that so does everybody else, including my father.
He had a new family and i didnt get along with that new wife of his. (Still dont)
So, i was thinking that these no use me to be here, and i took all my pills (and it was´nt little). Then i called to my father to saying goodbye. I did that 3 times. Always i ended up in hospital.

But the last time was too close, my blood pressure was 45/25. They couldnt get me awake at first. Too close!! 
Woh.. not good. And they let me go home, always. I was too good at talking..I called to my doc and told him, that i really need to go somewhere, hospital to get help, and he got me in Lapinlahti. That was one place, where i felt that i was sort of safe....

Life has not always been so easy for me. That was only one example from my life back then.

You see, why i´m so happy today?? I have survived. That´s something i  appreciate more than anything. That´s why i say that there´s hope, couse i really know. I´ve been there in hard way. In that bad place,

With these thoughs
have a nice day all

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