lauantai 3. maaliskuuta 2012

gonna wake!!

I read 56 pages Anthony de Mello´s book: wakening (free translation by me). I have been too busy to finish that book, but today i´m gonna do that.

It is very interesting book with very interesting thougs. I took it from library without even thinking. It´s a bit heavy to read, if you havent use to read that kind of books, but that message is so true, wakening!

I mean, i admit that i escape sometimes tv world, and internet etc. What i escape, is reality. Me, my thougs. I try to stay focus and awake, but then i loose it. By being awake i mean staying in this moment. Not somewhere in future or pass, but being here now.
Someone has that skill to be awake all the time, and someone, like me, have to practice that... a lot. Still, i´m happy couse i have noticed that i was in sleep, so i´m on the right path.

Where i live, is actually midle of nature, and grain field is just 3m away from porch. In summers there is cows. Here are rabbits, lynxs, could be wolfs and millions of smaller animals. It is very guiet here, and beautyful.

Here is the paradox, what i realize from that book, about me: I have lived here 6years. I came from our capital, Helsinki. It is "bit" bigger place, here population is 2000. Lately i have felt anxiety here. I couldnt say why. Then i read: (and again, translation by me)

Think about loneliness, what you usually feel. No ones company is never healing it. It can only entertain. Inside of you is emtyness, right? And when that emptyness is rising, what do you do? You run away, open tv or radio, read a book, seeking for company, entertainment, killing some time. Everybody does that. It is a great business in these days. ...
-Anthony de Mello-

Yes, that´s what i have being done. And did´nt realize, that my happyness dont come from any other people, but from me. I dont have to escape. It´s how i treat myself, how i respect my own happyness by starting to let go of that fear to be here, with me and listen myself. Here, in peace it it easyer to hear, so i think that i got scared. I was too idiot to think, that someone have to make me happy, but the truth is that i have to do that.

And i heard so much critique, when i moved here. Like, how can you, it´s a middle of nowhere!! You HAVE to live in a city. etc..
And all that becouse i was born and lived in Helsinki all my life. It was the only place to live, if you want to do business or be someone.

Stupid way to think. I shoud wake a bit earlier.. But better now than never! I dont loose nothing, by living here.
These people live from land. They do so much work to make good grain, and  so i have a good bread in my table. And this peace it´s good for me.

I dont want to think that im country girl, or city girl. Im both and not eighter. I have been compartmentalize about where i live. And it is not so wice. Why is that another place better that the other? No, not gonna work for me anymore.

I bought a bird board yesterday. I havent have one before. I put it near my kitchen window, and i´m gonna enjoy it. And be proud of that! :)

Have a great weekend all,


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