torstai 16. helmikuuta 2012

self-pity and creativity

Wow, it´s grazy, how low i must go with myself to have best writing out of me. I mean, i did dig a big hole and jumped in yesterday. It was really my suffering hole. I remembered all the bad things, i took those from my heart and make them visible for my eyes by writing. Not in the book, but just some random paper. Just let all out.

I cryed,  felt like i was drowned, mentally. I felt so depressed, like the whole world is folling down on me.

But, i did it on purpose. I think. Couse i produced so intense text after that. And after that i was so tired. It  was like i really needed that pain? How can someone need pain.. But it was like a known friend, that i invited over me. It felt, of course, bad, but also warm, safe.

Do we need that pain sometimes to help us to release something bigger? I mean it is grazy, and very exhausting, but i call it sweet pain. It was mine, and it was real.

I promised to be honest here, so i will: i wanted to feel that self-pityness!! I wanted to wrap myself inside of it. Like nobody could understand me. I´m all alone. In my world. I dont know about you, but i sounds so grazy, but in that time... It was what i needed.


Now, i feel still tired, but one phone call from my friend cheered up. We started to recall all the grazy things we have done, when we were young, so funny! Tell you later some of those things :)

Time to go and do some food
so have a great day all,

Maarit

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