tiistai 7. helmikuuta 2012

more about me

Hmm, i was thinkng, what i was feeling yesterday and why. I think that i have to go back in time for a while, so you can understand more why it´s not so easy always to be me..

I got.. well, not the right word, but i´m gonna use it, got sick about panic disorder in-90 (91) when my mom passed away. It´s not sicness, disorder is more right. And it made me isolated from the rest of the world. I lived alone, called ambulance, couse i was too scary to be at home. Soon i was more and more spending time in hospitals, those were more home to me than my own house.

They gave me so much medicine, that i dont remember much about those years. They did´nt know better then , panic was kind of new. Yes, i did some modelling, dancing and travelling in those years, and also couple of stupid marriage, and few things more, that i´m not really proud of.  And with power of those strong medicines.  I always took a cap, never traveld in bus! Never in 10 years. And i had back up plan, if i went somewhere: taxi! And fast as could:home!

I was living my own prison, which i build myself with panic. 10 years i lived that life. And the happend a mirragle: I got power to fite back! I kick panic´s ass and won it! It was so cool to WALK ALONE in the foodstore, and be independent.

So, i feel like i lost a lot in those 10years, of course i learn a lot, but still.. Couse i was before panic that kind of person, who loved to go out, travel, meet new peolpe, i loved my work as a makeup artist... and wuhf: it was all gone in a  second! So of course i was bitter!! And now.. i have got me back, panic is more like a bad memory. Educational, yes, but rough teacher.


Now i wanna to spread my wings and fly, but i´m afraid that it´s so hadt to explain to my closest ones, that i will come back!! I just wanna see more world, Paris, Londo, Scotland..

I lost my father 2 years ago, and my siser also.. so, still little sad about those... Now i´m 40years old, still so much to live for, and i wanna do the best i can for my life. I own it to myself...be the best me i can..

I think that i hit the jackpot here, couse tears are falling, when i write..That´s it! Now have to do something else ;)
Oh yeah, i promised to go shopping!! That´s good, couse i need few makeups more.. You see how easy it was to chance that subject ;)

I put this link here, just love this song..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHlcW_lKPl4&feature=related

All the best in this day for all of you,


2 kommenttia:

Your comment is my pleasure :)