torstai 26. tammikuuta 2012

opening up

Drinking some coffee  and thinking.. what was my earlier, and how i was. When you are middle of something, you really dont see, what´s wrong with it. You just  have these symptoms, that tell you that something´s wrong.

I moved from Helsinki to this small countrytown, after this man. I was really in love. Yes, that i have to admit. I think that it was a big reason, why i was so blind for my own thoughs and symptoms. At first i really wondered few things: first of all, he went to eat every day to his mom. I was sitting alone, eating, drinking koffee and so on. I did´nt know anyone from that place, so i was really alone. And another thing: first i took almost a year for to tell his mom, that i exist. And after that, big fear, how mother will react to that. Then these rules, that i could not say, that i´m from Helsinki, couse mother dosent like that. All from big city are just useless. And my age, i am 2 years older, but to mom.. have to tell that i was 2 years younger!? So, practically i could´nt be myself from to beginning.

Still, after 6 years he is eating in his mother. And she is so lonely, that it hurts. Mom has put his son to podium, and he enjoys that. All woman should do that, of course. And you have to be at home and make food, couse you are a woman. Mom did it like that.

Only hard, good work is what he´s doing. Wanna be writer? No, that´s not a job. What will my mom thinkg, if i tell her.. Lazy. Nobody here (and population is 2000) is doing that! So, shame on you.. Scenes are just fine, and that shield, but inside at home.. well, one mother´s man and one very lonely woman, thinking that what she want´s, desires, be able to do is not good.. She takes those  mental attacks and at first belive, that it´s all becouse of her, when thing are not going well....

AND THEN SHE WOKE UP!!! :)

Now i see the smallness about that cirkle, i see me at the new light.. I know, that i´m all good, when i be truthful to mysel. Let myself to be me. And dont belive, if somebody say´s that you are not wort it, couse ei know, that i am! 


I´m not an angel, i know that. It takes to to tango, but sometimes that other leads just a little bit too much... 

I wrote this more like diary-style today... I do write diary, still! Have done that since-93.
It´s good way to extract all thougs, good or bad. And also a very good source to my book, i dont remember all thinks so well, but i can read from my diary. Woh, what i have done in the past!

Well, time to do something else for a while,
have a good day!

Maarit

Ps. Sorry about all the misspell´s, i write in netbook, and it´s way too small for my eyes..auths ;)

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