maanantai 23. tammikuuta 2012


Well, i am.. today. It´s snows a lot, so i´m skipping my great idea to go buy this cool jacket i saw. I noticed, that when i almost hit by a truck, i´m avoiding that road. And that road happends to be only road out.

So i´m staying at the house. I really dont see any neighborgs anywhere. That means i dont see any people. And that means that i´m feeling like hermit. I mean, sometimes it´s nice to be with youself, but i was 6years and had enough. I can feel those symptoms came back: frustration, getting nervous, the walls are falling.. getting panic..

I read a great book calles " you are already there" by Jon Kabatt-Zinn. It´s all about aware of the presence of now. I think that it is real great book, especially if you suffer from panic disorder or stress. I have that book always with me, when i travel or I have some issues to deal with. Now i am really trying to think one sentence, that have helped me so many times: everything is here and now. Jeah... dosent help much, becouse i feel like that picture.....

My media player is playind Whitesnake: slow and easy, i close my eyes and dream that i´m on that road, which take´s me to home. It´s hot outside, i have good, big car beneath me, V8 of couse. The radio is plying good rock and i´m driving fast.. i feel free!! Ok, just have to remember that, couse it´s gonna happen soon again. I will survive!! Hell, i have been worst situations..

Maybe it´s more like i have more energy and zest of life, and too much bad memories... it makes me restless and  unconsciously fear that this is a permanent state of my life..
I will tell more about that later.
I open slowly, couse some wounds are still too open. But i will tell, and hope that somebody get´s something positive from my experiences.
I know that i am not the onlyone, whos suffered of this issues.

"live at the top of the block
no more room for trouble and fuss
need a change a positive change
look it’s me writing on the wall "- Soul 11 Soul,  Back to life Lyrics, well, part of it ;) 

Wishing all the best to you,


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