Hi there! I´m taking small break from this blog. I started new one, wanting to do only positive things there. This blog is always my baby, full of history and I shall come back. But this world has gone so... well, different? Bad? So much is going on, war...here in Fin different things... my head was/is way too overloaded. So... I´m concentrated for find inner peace...
When I was a kid, my mom use to say that I was too kind for my friends. I couldn´t say no. That was true. Also, saying what I was really thinking was hard. I avoided controversy pretty much, also if someone asked my opinion... well, I was more or less like politician: maybe, or perhaps no?? Why? Well, not too sure because in our home I didnt saw fighting. My parents didnt fight around me, so not coming from home... Maybe there´s no bigger reason, than that´s the way I was build. Too caring.
That has been my stepping stone all my life. Lately, in last years I have learned that I do have opinion and stupid or not: it´s mine anyway.
There are, like in everybody´s life, people from past that make´s one feel contradictory. One people called me some days ago and I have wondered...why do I feel kind of mad, when she´s calling? We use to be pretty close.... I´m in that point now, where I am admitting... that relationship was holding me to crowing to be me. Sort of. I mean, I was me, but not all the way. I was more like what this friend wanted me to be. And stupid part...I was playing along. Why? Well... there was something that I liked, of course. And..maybe I just thought that I was´nt good enough like I was? Because this other person wanted to chance me in some direction? Yep, she know´s better..must know...I´m just...me.
During that phone call she said something about one reality"star" here in Finland: that´s like us! I said, no that´s not me. It´s you. (that reality star... well, not too positive)
First time I said, that´s not me. Never been, I´m not really like that. I was stupid enough to act like that, but from inside I was suffering..
That moment opened up so much to me! That opened up, how much I had gave power to others to sort of build me like a doll. I cant blame too much others, I let that happen. But my moment to be free: no, that´s not me. Really. Real me. No.
I started to think, what else is there, how I have build my own image? And... letting me act like my inner self is feeling.
This might sound funny, a woman in my age is writing things like this. But, better wake now than later! I have been dealing some things from my past, because those do effect in these days. How I react, maybe wear some clothes.. This is my journey to me meeting the real me. And no, life cant be this difficult, I know. I could let things go and just move up. But... I want to learn. To understand. By understanding me I have better chance to understand someone else. And that I want to do.... maybe..help someone in future?
I think, that there´s so many things that effects us. Listening and hearing your own voice could be difficult, more so that we can understand. Some start this journey in earlier age... me now.
Today has been a day of revelation. Revelation of my thoughts. Realization, why I feel the way I do in some issues.
This is from my notebook...
For some reason pretty damn ... I have been so nervous for a couple of days? Could it be ... after a small bout of flu-perhaps break and fear that someone myocarditis ... if you will do something. Then is irritating when you can not workout, and fear, if you gaining weight? Just want to throw on the wall everything, brawl and shout .... But did I'm now in this moment get weight. On the other hand, now I do not know whether this development go forward or are we still in it same numbers? And why the hell I could be happy now? Someone miracle participants will become ... someone rush..of something? Someone result? What? The trip, but right now none destiny..maybe ...'m therefore committed myself looks? It was supposed to help when you lose weight? Where is the limit? As happy? What is my real goal is? What do I want? Where are you satisfied? And the way between the ... more to life ...
That is, the objective .... ??? Now I have, however, reached the one-leg ... . The dream was ##? But .... I want to all`? And why? I can not imagine myself as less than ##? That's why I can not dream of? Sometimes in -94 was? I gave up somewhere in between ... And why I should not dream of under ##? As I thought of myself as sub-worth it ... Because of one friend ... yep. Wanna be hot, to my man, too. A strong desire to take the time to back what I lost in panic. 10v "wasted". And it came to it now for real everything shi##T! So ... I guess is okay to be so that something minor trauma on..and to work with them ... So: I want to be such a size that when you put your clothes on, so there is almost always ok. True hell I want to look good when spent 10 years when I grow up, and I felt really bad when I was suffering from panic and depressed.
No more taken seriously. And so I didnt, either. Myself. Completing scared, what if I fail? Where is ...? And I've already succeeded! So, real issue is, therefore, in the background .... Now we need to carry out for me..not because of the need to show to the past. Rather, work in the future ... and to be here now.
Translated with Google. Not perfect, but hoping that you will get my point... those ## are numbers, I didnt want to put those here now :D. But, I feel like I´m hitting in goldmine here with me. Sometimes (usually) the way we react some issues are learned habits from the past... the ways to behave. And if those are not good for you, then... a small trip to past is in order...to be able learn and chance the way you react, feel. Understand, why did you react so then and maybe you dont have to do that now? Learning form past...that takes one thing: to face shitty things from past.... those hard, tough times..and to be able to realize, how far have you came.. winning those fears... then, you are free.