sunnuntai 7. toukokuuta 2017

Back against the wall

Well, I don´t know what to think.
You destroyed all I believed!
I believed us, together. You?
You just can´t be forever.

I know, that you are STILL cheating me
Online, whatever, still being that same old
I got you once, then was that third time,
Is it really a charm?

My mind is confused, asking just why? 
Why the hell you need to so stupid bell!
Oh, yes it´s easy. Click here and you have a date.

What about this real life, between us?
How can I continue like nothing has not touch....
My heart is truly in shock,
can´t cry neither stop. 

For a moment I thought that
My life really dosent matter
and that´s that.

Now I´m so tired, I just want to believe
all that I saw, all that I know..
Just a bad dream? Hell no...

I wish I could wake up
just to realize that it was all made up.

But I know, that I´m awake..
I know, that words are fake. 

I don´t want to give up, I dont.
But I can´t keep you with force.
What does the future bring
Can we even see the spring?

If I blame it all in me,
Maybe I not all the woman you just need?
Yet, you said that I was.
Just hard to believe that,
with all the cost.

So you see, I´m going more to my shell
If you want me back, do it well. 

I give up for now, just to see
How much you really want you and me...

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about broken heart

With love

sunnuntai 11. joulukuuta 2016

Hi again

So long time, since last time here! I have been avoiding this blog for one stupid reason: here I have this habit to face myself. Facing what´s really is going on in my life. Sounds silly, dosent it?

Well, last year has bees so crazy, busy and rough mentally. I have been taking care of my mother in law, she was in bad shape..but now..even worse. She´s in hospital, has been 3 weeks now and...we are happy if she can recognize us. It happen so suddenly. 3 weeks ago we talked about everything in life; she understood everything. So sharp. Now...well two small strokes and I´m feeding her. In hospital. That iron woman, that strong human!
And..she´s never coming home again. She cant. Cause she´s just... not in this world. I do miss her so.

Guess what? Now I have some time in my hands and I dont know, what to do with it. Usually, I had so busy days: training, jogging, taking care of her... now...I do work out, jog...but there´s a hole in my days.

It´s my favorite time of year, you know, winter..and I dont even see it. Christmas is coming and I dont understand it. We had traditions in X-mas with iron Dont know...and of course my mans, her son,,,now there´s a hard thing to handle. I know that from my situation with my mom long ago. How hard it is to watch your mother to just...slip.

I tried to write some casual, or lighter blog...again I have to admit...not my thing. I just was escaping there. Also, facing my feelings is good, I just need to do that. So... if there´s someone out there...I´m here. And gonna stay.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about life

Yep, I will think that with thought and rise again. I will!

with love,

keskiviikko 3. elokuuta 2016

Another busy day

How could it be... we have, or more like my man have, holiday and so busy. So much to much to much to remember.

There was one week, that I didnt work out, I was having free week and trust me, first 2 days I just slept. I was totally tired!

But, it´s berry- time here. Blueberries, red, black, gooseberries..that´s a serious work now! We have bushes here at home, over 20 and full of berries. In the woods, blueberries. Berries here and there.  (Yes, I have a small overload against berries already)

Then grass. That is growing so fast. When finished in one end, need to start all over. We have this heaven in earth, for me at least, home in the middle of nature. There use to be two places and two houses, but legend is telling, that one man went angry about..well, something and burned his house. So there´s one house now in two houses place. And that grass.. well.. there´s a lot of that. mother in law..she does need serious help. So there too, grass. And potatoes. And and and..ok, now I know where time has gone!!! :D

And Launna!! I´m sorry, that I havent been too much in your blog!! I have tried to do something about that other blog of mine.. But you have been in my thoughts and I will be there more in next week, when holiday is over. 

I have been fighting with my head. Yes, again. :) But I truly love that idea, that human is not ready, there´s room for growing no matter how young or old you are. 

One thing is above now. My style, look..self esteem. Sounds vain, but truly? Not at all. It´s visual and does both: can lift us up or put us down. I would lie, if I said: it dosent matter how I look. Yes, I can say that and yes, inner is always more important. But in this world, now days...also, I would love to feel assured about myself.

Yes, I have lost kilos so much. I have bee working out, still mind dosent get that yet. I started to think why? I mean..I know that my body is more better, healthy now. Why cant I just enjoy?
Almost all of my clothes are way too big. Those too, that I have bought lately. I´m hiding. 

I just dont trust myself to be ok... why? 

I have this memories..voices..from past. Contest...between friends. Who looks better? I started to believe, that I´m not as good as my friend. She was strong with her opinions. Once, I remember..we were at boat, celebrating. The next day, when we woke and were ready for buffet (I have HUGE hangover) I had put my hair as I wanted, not like she wanted. Also, as I wanted my overalls. Small things but yep..she was controlling me. Then one man came to me as we stood there waiting our turn: are you some kind of model? Wow.. he asked that from me, not my friend. After that.. I let her do my hair etc..not the best I was, but the way I wasnt threat. 

That sounds so stubid, I know. At the time, I didnt even saw those little things but I think myself, and what  influence both my behavior and my opinion about me? Those little things. I havent been free to be me, totally. And that is one reason, why I havent been enjoying my road now. 

Now I have that power to chance it. There´s gonna be work inside of me, to trust my opinion in clother etc. But I shall crow. I dont think that I´m alone with these things.. I believe that there´s more of us, that voices from past, from shadows, are effecting our behavior, thoughts..without even seeing that. 

Well... Today I shall start my journey to free me and be me. I have survived from so bad things, this is not so..well...heavy, someone could say. but as important. 

Image result for quotes about learning to be me

with love