maanantai 16. toukokuuta 2016

suffocating me

Ok, a bit challenging to write now. one of our kittens has this habit now, he comes to my lap when I write with laptop. He sleeps so peacefully there and I dont want to wake him. I´m such a weak front of him!

But, to the point. It´s a bit scary, also tempting, maybe depressing..feeling. You know, that you have something.. something big, inside of you. Something that you want to do, you need to do. Something, that you, that you were meant to do. Only thing dont know what it is. 

I feel something..inside of me. It is there. But for some reason...I´m afraid? Or something... to look at it. It´s like in my throat, there´s a some plug in there. It´s suffocating me, slowly and yet..I can feel that fire in my stomach. Does that sound crazy? Yep, maybe... 

I have had this image of me for so long. Like..because so much bad has happen to me and had a rough´m not really the right person to succeed in something. With that though is really hard build something, I know. But that though of me, that was my image about me. Like I felt, still do, that I´m not pretty enough. For some things that I want to do. Even those, who do it for living, has said that I´m totally good enough...Yet...I feel like elephant. 

I have put myself to position, that I´m lower than others. I have done it well. Now..there´s some cracks in my thoughts but... can I trust those? Do I really have, what it takes? Can I let go from my ghosts and believe in me? Or is it just illusion...

It´s funny...or others thoughts about us can be so different. That´s why we need that positive feedback from trusted people... so we can go even further. 

I know, I need to something about my self image...just I dont know what. 

One thought... can it be or is it just dream? Which one I believe makes a huge difference.   
Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourselfKuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourself

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about trusting yourself

Something to think about..

with love,

torstai 5. toukokuuta 2016

Just because I can

Today has been so so... hard...satisfying... teaching..and again hard.

I went with my mother in law 81 years, to see her sister. I think, that she´s almost 90 years. As  drove there, I was kind of stressed. I had to take my man´s car. That´s a small (cute) car without air condition and with clutch.

Today was hot day and I had to drive nearly 300km. Also, I had to make room for walker that she uses. Pit stops in some stores and one cemetery. I mean, so much to do, not just driving. And she has been a bit sick, so I was worrying how she can handle this trip.

Few times we lost our way, cause she just didnt remember the way,

I was, have to admit, time to time..frustrated.

But when we got to her sisters house and they saw each How happy those women were! How much they have seen... it was so adorable, when they walked in a row with their walkers... I couldnt help, I smiled a bit. Then I just sat there with them and listened. They knew, that they had become old. I could not said nothing to that, because I knew..they know..that´s a fact. And getting older gives more challenges for living. Moving, eating..simple things.

This sister said: live now, we all are going to be old one day. You have to enjoy your life and do things...because the fact this cant. You just sit and know what. I knew.

I looked those women in new way...they have lived a long life. They have been young, too. Time get´s everyone of us... I have to do, what I want now..because I can.
There´s nothing wrong in my health, so if I want to do something..I do it. Cause I can. There will be day, I hope, that I will sit next to kitchen table and just wait... getting old ain´t too can be tough thing to admit my own limits..things that I use to do... I cant. I have to ask help all the time and I hate that. You know, what I mean? 

I´m not there yet...I just have to celebrate life now and worry tomorrow. What ever I do know, mistakes, things, learning... I can remember those next to that table...maybe. If my memory works. If not, I´m maybe in my own world.

But now... I´m not so old as I thought. I can see that now! Thanks to those two ladies...

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funnyKuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funny

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about not too old funny

Dream, live and love!

with love

torstai 28. huhtikuuta 2016

good enough?

I started new blog ,again, and now I have been written it often. This blog is always my way of think and deal things. That other is (again) about beauty and stuff.

But why I have started and quit so many times about that issue? I really didn t knew. I mean, I do love those subject and I know something about those, too. But keeping a blog? That was hard for me.
In home, it so easy to talk about those, and give advises to my friends.

Reason: I didnt trust me enough. I didnt feel, like I´m even near to be able to write about beauty. Because...I´m not beautiful enough. I´m old. And I´m my mind: not right shape by my body.

So...I didnt really think of those, but those were in my head anyway.

I kind of shoot a torpedo to my trying. Not good enough.

Funny thought, I´m brave enough to write here about all that has happen in my past, but about fashion? I was in lock.

Self image is in so deep, I see.. and it really can get your way to do what you would love to do.

Now.. as I sit here.. with great back pain...(because I didnt stretch after training) I need to take a another view to me. Am I good enough? Do I have something to say there? And how much does my thinking limit my doings.
Oh yes, there´s also one thing friend from past. Let´s just say, I wasnt good enough as I was. Or how I wanted to put myself, when we went out. That could be one reason, too... yes, it is one strong reason.

I thought that I was getting over it..but... now I realize that I´m not over it, yet. I´m gonna fight against those thoughts.

I just need to bring me here and now. To trust me...with this. Why on earth it is so hard! Maybe I just have to break my comfort zone there too! It is easier to brake it while training.. silly? Yes.

With all this that I have wrote now..I did some thinking at the same time. I wrote as I felt, so if this is confusing.. I just hope that you got my point?
That is, how much we can be our way to do what we love. I know, that my head was (is) in my way and I need to change it.

Cause every time, that I start that kind of blog.. I feel joy and sorrow at the same time.
I want feel more that joy... not sorrow, because I think: I´m not good enough to write this....

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about self image

with huge love